Sometimes those of us who don’t have a boy outtie get no recognition on this day. With no babygirl this time last year, my friend Anton texted me warm wishes and it meant the world to me. So happy father’s day to all the Dads and Daddies out there in El Jay land!!

Such an enjoyable party last night. There must have been 40-50 people in this big house where I have always felt so welcome, and I was blessed with squishy sincere hugs from almost all of  them. I appreciate the sweet handful of internet friends who stayed in my life more than I can say, but I hardly knew a soul in Dallas when C left, so I feel so fortunate to be part of a real time local community now. I’m in the market for a few heart friends, and there are a few receptive special ones I’ve been scouting. I think I might be ready to trust again soon and learn how to be open and roll with the chances that go with that.

My prissy little babygirl was in pure joy mode, which is the most glorious thing when she is free to be her adorable childlike self. I held her in my arms, swirled her around the pool and laughed at all the cuteness that comes out of her pretty little petulant mouth when she feels cherished. Her friend told me, "Dang, babygirl got hotter since she got with you." heheh. It’s true — the little one is glowing. I discreetly dated some very fine Femmes after my divorce, but knew I wasnt ready. I didn’t know I was ready for babygirl either, and kept pushing her away. There was a moment I was telling her goodbye for good, giving her up like a habit for sweets, and I looked at her face and my biggo Daddy belly turned to ice. She felt it too, made a little noise and put her hand there on the cold spot. I was still such a mess, didn’t know if the ice was the warning sign I surely missed last time I opened my heart… or just arctic dread after such a painful unraveling. I’m so glad I didnt lose this girl. So glad.

I am done with trying to convince myself or anyone else that I am a good, caring person. I didn’t steal anything or do anything at all against my wife or my community. This is how irony works so poetically in my life. That my meticulous process of labeling and cataloging my emotions in all this divorce mess has brought me at last to this place where I am unwilling to defend my character any longer. Yet that is exactly the task that is on my calendar for next week: COURT. lol Whatever the outcome, it’s in the hands of a judge so all I gotta do is suit up and show up. I go see legal aid tomorrow morning.

My mom should be here soon. I love her so much, but she is completely disassociative about my traumatic childhood and thus is far too brittle to ever acknowledge any of what I deal with straight on with my eyes wide open. As a means for my own mental health, it’s like I have to take in a gasp of pure oxygen and hold it and just nod until she leaves. She’s the only mom I got, and I have learned the hard way there is no other means to have a small part of her in my life. So a few times a year, I gasp for my aging mother, even if she hardly knows me at all.

With the house all cool and clean again, sheets smelling delicious, I feel like a king in my castle again. I realize there could be more unraveling in store, but I feel so free and so hopeful that I will survive and thrive. I have found my center and am so ready to swing my axe again, to be the solid rock I always was. Not just throw love like confetti in a parade in the way that comes so easily for me, but to be brave enough to allow people to actually love me back in real ways. There is so much work I want to do!! I don’t even know where to start.

Gottta go~~~~~~~~~ peace!!!!

Related posts:

1. on community…
3. Grief Brief and Gratitude Great