Grief Brief and Gratitude Great

Does anyone know why the ‘board’ hasn’t posted a financial report on since October? The last one showed a surplus of twenty grand. I suppose the tragic poet in me needs to swirl the irony. We are in dire circumstances since C started a free dating site, and I stayed up most of the night researching charities to find out who gives away food and toys on Christmas. Tomorrow I will sell my blood. I have been poor most of my life, but doing it with a kid is breaking my fucking heart. I am literally scouring change this weekend, keeping in mind how many people are in the same boat with the economy. I start teaching again in the spring, and that job still allows me to be there for this troubled kid. I know we will make it. Just having a moment this morning.


Oh, I have so much to be thankful for. Truly.

  • Although sitting right next to it is making me cry at the moment. our Christmas tree is beautiful.
  • I can return that phone and get Meesha some cheap posters, buttons, and thrift clothes. She’s fun to shop for, and is thrilled with little things. She loves that her Converse are all beat up and raggedy looking. lol Thank gawd.
  • My old truck still fires right up. It’s Meesha’s refuge, just as my dad’s truck was for me. She has been out there listening to her CDs, chewing up all my gum and scribbling emo poems since she woke up.
  • I get to start that amazing writing program in January! OMG OMG!! I don’t know how I will cover half the tuition, but I will figure it out. Wanted that real bad.
  • I start new teaching programs in January. Those crummy lil checks have saved us.
  • Meesha is mine. She is troubled and rebellious by nature, and I worry, worry, worrry, but right now, I am keeping her safe. The little girl is making friends and coming into her own. How that little colt has stretched my heart even as it was breaking. Love her so,
  • I haven’t had time for creativity since I moved, but about 7 or 8 squiillion fetish models have asked me to take their picture!! I am meeting the most talented shutter whores in my community, and I am gonna learn ALOT. Sooooo glad Chris deemed this camera unworthy to take. I treasure it.
  • I have such sincerely fucking sweet Femmes in my life at the moment, and I am learning so much about my desire, how trust and intimacy turn my key. Might even hafta give up my stone card (!!!!) and I am kinda ok with that.
  • My strongest advocate these past few years is a wise Femme therapist who was once my ex wife’s therapist also. She sees the scenario clearly and it was she who held my hand and helped me break free from my marriage when my basic needs were not met. These days this good woman continues to see me weekly for no payment other than a hug… simply because she believes in the impact I will make once I am back on my feet. Thank you, Judy, for believing so deeply in me. I owe you so much.
  • I have managed to bring together a damn fine core family here in Dallas — good folks who love me and support me.
  • I’ve actually come to love our little apartment. It’s perfect — a bargain and a blessing. I offered to manage the building for a cut on rent (empty except for us right now cuz the management folks are STOOPIT) and the landlord is going to let me know tomorrow.
  • I’m working on a project that is gonna dent the gotdam planet!!!! Oh. Oh. Oh.
  • My local Butch/FTM brothers and my faraway Butch-FTM brothers who mean the world to me.
  • Butches and Femmes I have never met who still write me on Fetlife or Myspace to thank me for the work I’ve done with The lingering connection reminds me that I can manifest my dreams.
  • Ha! Meesha just came in and said she read the manual for the stereo in my truck (yeh! my kid can read!) and now all of the speakers are working! The Drinkwater family shall rock yet again. 🙂

Fuck tears, eh? This list cheered me up. Thanks for reading. Hope everyone had a good weekend. I really did.


  1. kyssme

    perspective …

    my kids have a memory from about 10 years ago.

    one night we had pancakes for dinner … topped with peanut butter instead of syrup. i tried to make it fun and never, ever let them know how poor i was. they thought it was just too wonderful 🙂

    i felt awful … like the worst mother in the world, unable to feed my kids properly.

    they didn’t know until just recently that it was all i had to feed them that evening and that it had come from a food bank.

    now they know a more complete truth about that time in our lives … but it will always be a great memory for them.

    i know you a little bit, Rhon … you have love and creativity. you can spin this. 😉 and Meesha will have amazing memories of this holiday season.

    p.s. have you looked into Angel Food Ministries?

  2. daddyrhon

    Re: perspective …


    Thanks for sharing that, Donna. Meesha gave me a hug one day when I was stressed over money and said, “Rhon, you know I’ve been poor all my life and I am used to it.” lol Kids are amazing, but GODDDDD… the guilt, the guilt in every single twist of the plot! I have a love affair with aesthetics, but have always had beauty in my life, rich or poor. Thanks for reminding me.

  3. kyssme

    Re: perspective …

    and as long as you have love in your life- and Meesha!-, you will always have beauty! 🙂

    another P.S. my daughter has called me her hero for how i got us through all that. in the big picture, guilt fades to nothing in the face of our childrens’ views of us. it’s a wonderful thing!

  4. peach12a

    Hi Rhon, I’m putting on my “board” hat here….
    Yes, in October the financial report showed that amount of money. Since then, all the bash expenses have been verified and paid, leaving about 3500.00. That will be used to pay server fees.
    The report will be posted by the end of Dec. or early January. The reason for the lateness of psoting the report is we are in the process of hiring a professional bookkeeper, and she is going throught the books for the past year, making sure every *T* is crossed, every *I* dotted, and every penny accounted for.
    We are going to ensure total transparency, to show all money that has come into has stayed in, and that for the past year, nobody has personally benefited financially from the site.
    I know you have had the money from the personals site, and that is part of the ligation, and I dont want to get into a discussion of that. I just want to assure you, and everyone else, that all is accounted for with, and that information will be made available soon.

  5. daddyrhon

    Thanks, Peach. The site used to make quite a bit of money and that’s too bad. I wish I could see how many people actually renewed their canceled memberships after C put all the accounts in her name, but I guess I won’t know the details til court in spring. I am glad you are still the big fruit, and I appreciate the update.

    Thanks for the Christmas card, too. 🙂 Happy holidays to you both!

  6. alphawolf0713

    One foot in front of the other. You are doing it. You are doing right by Meesha. I’m very glad to see you are able to have a gratitude list. My gratitude lists kept me going through losing everything, as it seems yours have as well.

    You might want to put together a wish list on amazon or something for meesha and let people know… you never know how many might want to play santa. 😉

  7. wickedsuzi

    Heaven and I are sitting here this evening with candles burning and music playing and giving thanks ourselves, for all the blessings in our lives. The little apt is tiny, and we too are still driving Big Red {now more than 10 years old and still rockin the roads every day} and we were talking about some of our best and sweetest memories…. and I remembered the green room and how you’d bring in a tiny vase of flowers you’d cut from your garden or a couple of candles to brighten/cheer it/me up. You said then that you always could find some beauty around you and this is still true of you. I loved and admired that about you then and now as well. Another of the best memories for Heaven and I was last winter when it was so cold in Dallas and our electricity got shut off and we sat there by the light of the fire and read the classics aloud to each other. Neither of us will ever forget that. I know in my heart that Meesha and you are making those same kind of memories and creating a bond that will last all your lives. There is no amount of money that can do that.

    We send you Love…..

  8. daddydyke

    You might want to put together a wish list on amazon or something for meesha and let people know… you never know how many might want to play santa. 😉

    This. Exactly this.

  9. bejart

    hey rhon – I know I’m stating the obvious here, but applying for food stamps if you haven’t already would be a good idea. Also Catholic Social Services is pretty amazing – I called on them when I was a breath away from homelessness and stealing recyclables from the boy scouts to eat. Also, I know jobs are tight but I’ve heard really good things about Starbucks (yes Starbucks) and that they offer benes to all levels of workers – it could help bridge this timeframe. Do you have local foodbanks there? The ones here in seattle don’t make you prove anything – you can just go shopping.

  10. hotairharry

    Rhon, check out Angel Food Ministries. A friend of mine who is having hard times gets food boxes through them. I went to help her pick one up a while back, and I was very impressed with this program. For $30, she got a massive box of food (enough to feed a family of 4 for 2 weeks or something like that). And the food wasn’t all that bad. Yes, it’s a religious organization that runs it, but when I was there with her, only one guy said, “God bless you” to me and that was it. My friend said the meat in the boxes is sometimes a fattier cut, but the food overall is good and nutritious. For another $20, she got a huge box of produce. I posted the link above…local non-profits or churches run this program all over the country. You have to place your order by a certain date every month, and you have to be able to pick up your box on the pick-up day, which was a Saturday morning here.

    And if you need advice on coupon clipping/shopping, I’m your guy. lol

  11. b_bit

    Meesha reads and comprehends, both! Yay for working speakers!! Yay for big progress!

    You know the Drinkwaters are already rocking the planet, love. *grin*

    And yanno what, Rhon? Not a day goes by that Gryph and I don’t acknowledge to each other both how lucky we are to be together, and how glad we are that he decided to come to B-F. We never would have met, otherwise. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for making that space possible! {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Rhon}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

    Whatever you do next will be awesome. I know this. GOOOOO Rhon!! *big grin*

  12. slverwlf

    I agree…now that you have adopted brilliant speaker fixing Meesha…you should apply for anything the government is willing to give to assist. Foodstamps, medicaid…whatever. Trust me, I worked for Florida, approving foodstamps and medicaid. It is nothing to be ashamed of, and you are just as or more deserving than anyone else.

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