gratitude

  • I offered grace to someone who didn’t deserve it, and don’t regret it at all. Rarely do.
  • I found liquor in Meesha’s room twice this week, and now my eyes are open.
  • I am going to pound and hound without relenting until she accepts my expectations, and I am going to do it with love. It is exhausting work to love responsibly, but I am determined. This child will learn basic respect and accountability before she leaves my home.
  • I am a hero to a pretty pet curled on my red satin sheets. Her fierce heart reminds me of the hatching chrysalis Meesha and I watched, astonished at the bloody and brave unfolding of wings.
  • We finally have heat in the treehouse, which is a good thing on a cold rainy day.
  • My life: simple. After selling 2/3 of my belongings before I moved, I am fixing to (oops there goes my Texan again) purge once more and list a ton of shit on Ebay. I grew up so poor, I developed an emotional attachment to stuff. Realized beauty was what I sought all along. The eyes go blind from so much seeing, but the heart is always the bank. I stopped my truck in the middle of the street and snapped a branch from a redbud, blooming hysterically pink, and placed it on our table. Tossed it as soon as it began to whither.
  • I didn’t get any writing classes to teach this semester. Scary since I have been penniless several times recently, but honestly…? Last semester I wasn’t enjoying teaching very often, and kids deserve better than half of my heart.
  • Finally, I think maybe possibly I might have broken my mindless addiction to the internet. (edited to add: maybe not… I fucked off half the morning on Fetlife…. oops)
  • This sparse period in my life has left me looking inward. I am on my knees with my hands in the dirt, jerking at the fat stubborn root of self pity. I see so clearly how I have sold chunks of myself for love… the sickening dance we feel at home with over and over, and call ourselves ‘survivors’ because we still can still breath despite the same sucking chest wounds. I vow to try my damndest to be my own guardian the remainder of my days, the same way I care for lovers, babygirls, friends, plants, kids, and watery eyed little dogs.
  • If my art will ever have an authentic voice, I must be aware of what I already know. Then my quiet whisper ways will be more deliberate and true.
  • So much stronger than I ever was. Not because all the loss this past year was so humbling (I really didn’t need that), but because it has been so freeing. How rare this gift of beginning again.
  • With intent.

Comments

  1. alphawolf0713

    a few of your points resonated with me…especially… “with intent”

    If we walk every day, every action, with intent, we live 5 lifetimes in one…

    Thanks for sharing your gratitude list. When I felt like I was walking through hell with the devil a few feet behind, I made daily gratitude lists to keep my feet moving. You have much to be grateful for indeed…we all do…

  2. elsa_wolf_in

    I loved this. What a way with words.

    This sparse period in my life has left me looking inward. I am on my knees with my hands in the dirt, jerking at the fat stubborn root of self pity. I see so clearly how I have sold chunks of myself for love… the sickening dance we feel at home with over and over, and call ourselves ‘survivors’ because we still can still breath despite the same sucking chest wounds. I vow I am going to try my damndest to be my own guardian the remainder of my days, the same way I care for lovers, plants, kids, and watery eyed little dogs.

  3. blues_gal

    You found liquor in Meesha’s room?!

    Damn. I’m really at a loss on what to do with that. I know that there isn’t any amount of convincing you can do, but seriously? I want to come up there and give her the big talk about drugs/alcohol and addiction history.

    Thanks for putting up Sue, Rhon. It really means a lot to me.

    🙂

  4. daddyrhon

    Please come over here and help me preach, sistah, and bring the choir. Her parents were crawling across the floor drunks and her mama DIED!!! The baby spent half her childhood with her mother in detox. But then again… my parents were addicts too and I partied like a motherfucker. Just lucky I never developed addictions to anything other than food. If Meesha insists on being stupid, its gonna kill me, I swear.. I’ll buck that all my days.

    And yes, your Sue is so sweet and we love having her here. She’s gonna help me put a lock on my bedroom door tonight so all adult things will be behind a key, and lil Meesha will have to get a fake ID like I did, I guess.

    🙁

  5. littlestpirate

    Rhon,
    Justin’s father was a raging alcholic, and from the time he was little, I explained to him that he most likely has the addiction gene. That he can NEVER drink. Becouse for him even a few drinks can turn into horrible addiction. He now understands that and has no desire for drink or drug.
    They have that show called “intervention”. Maybe you could watch a few with Meesha and let her see how her life could end up, even with just a few drinks. Talk to her about the effects of alcohol and ask her what it does for her. How does it make her feel that she thinks it’s something she needs.
    Good luck sugar..and lots of love
    Rish

  6. daddyrhon

    We watch Intervention together all the time. It is my favorite show. I tell her over and over about genetics. She’s just stubbornly intent on making stupid choices, it seems. I hope Meesha turns it around. I love her and would hate to watch her options dwindle. Lots of love back to you and your darling ones.

  7. lexdivinia

    “My life: simple. ….. I grew up so poor, I developed an emotional attachment to stuff…..”

    This resonates deeply.
    I am so sentimental and keep everything. I want to learn how to take proper photographs. To document the things that have a meaning in my life, and to have a record of it… but not taking up space in my closets, on my shelves.
    I am better than I once was… but I have so far to go. Thank you for sharing.

  8. tnfemme

    Think back to your teen years. I fought everything and was determined to try everything even when told not to…even when I knew better. It could’ve been a lot worse though. At least I had my mother there to jerk a know in me every now and then. Anyway, she has to learn her lessons just like all of us. Thank God she has someone like you to keep jerking a knot in her.

  9. daraqw

    Rhon, the really bad thing about finding the liquor is that consuming alcohol renders most SSRIs useless. If that is the class of medication she is on, she’s not getting the benefit of it if she drinks AT ALL. She needs to understand that alcohol is a serious depressant, too.

  10. mmmicx13

    Rhon,
    You inspire me more than I can say. Your ability to let yourself be human and to live through the challenges is notable.

    You mentioned before that the meds had really numbed Meesha out. I wonder if she picked up the alcohol to feel something as a way to get out of the numb. She is self-medicating, but from what? Finding that out will help a lot in how to handle it.

    Has she ever tried mindfulness or a meditation course of some sort? I wonder if they have that for teens anywhere…

    From my past abuse and trauma I learned how to dissociate which left me years and years of not knowing how to feel anything. Food, too, became my addiction even though there were many other items that could have been used. Trauma, depression and all of that leaves a young person lost and sometimes there is just an urge to feel anything other than the bad stuff or the nothing that a person is plunged into.

    I wish I could help in some way. Keep on Keepin’ on Rhon. You’ll get there eventually.

  11. daraqw

    I wonder if M would benefit from attending an Alateen group? She might find some people there who have had similar life experiences but who are determined to heal. It’s free and would give her another therapeutic outlet.

  12. blues_gal

    I know! I did the same fuckin’ thing and to say it’s rare to NOT find an addict in my family isn’t an understatement. She is searching for someway to be ‘cool’ and fit in. As we all were (and are). She’s gonna have bumps and some of ’em stupid, but you’re right she should get a fake ID at least. LMAO.

    I don’t have anything in April when Sue comes up. I will block it out and maybe Jessica and I can come out and spend some time with her and knock her in her head. 🙂

  13. blues_gal

    mmmicx13*Has she ever tried mindfulness or a meditation course of some sort? I wonder if they have that for teens anywhere..*

    Sue has some really great books on this. When we come up in April we will bring her a couple. We have ones that are interesting and not just dry.

  14. mmmicx13

    I know there is a good book by Marsha Linehan about Dialectical Behavioral Therapy that can be useful for some of the issues but most of it is based on mindfulness at the root of it and I don’t like some of the stuff around it. Hopefully the books will be helpful. I’m glad you have some resources to try at least. 🙂

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